Media Violence and Children

Children are vulnerable

All children are impressionable.  But children younger than 7 are especially influenced by what they see on television.  Young children are not yet able to distinguish between reality and fantasy.  They cannot think critically about people’s motives and they have difficulty understanding subtle behavior.  Therefore, young children are especially vulnerable to the powerful images of violent behavior portrayed in the media.  Adults -parents, teachers, and broadcasters must assume responsibility for protecting children from the potentially harmful effects of exposure to violence through the media.

Television teaches

When children watch television, they are physically passive but mentally they are very active.  They absorb information, ideas, and values from television.  Because television is such a powerful teacher, adults must be sure that the lessons children learn from television is desirable.

Children may become less caring and more fearful

Research consistently identifies three problems associated with repeated viewing of television violence:

1.  Children are more likely to behave in aggressive or harmful ways toward others.  Children begin to see violence as a normal response to stress and an acceptable means of resolving conflict.  Children who repeatedly observe aggressive problem-solving behavior tend to replay what they have seen in real life situations.

2.  Children may become less sensitive to the pain and suffering of others.  Viewing violence stimulates children to view other people as “enemies” and to be unconcerned about their welfare.  Children show less remorse about their own aggressive behavior and less concern about the aggressive actions of other children.

3.  Children may become more fearful of the world around them.  Exposure to media violence may compoundsome children’s natural anxieties.

Some effects are subtle

Media violence can harm children’s social development.  Viewing violence reduces all forms of positive human interaction and reinforces anti-social behavior.

Violent television programming presents limited models of language development.  The repetitive scripts of violent television programs narrow the range and originality of children’s verbal expression at a time when the development of language is critically important.

Viewing television violence limits children’s imaginations.  Programs that regularly depict violence often promote toys that encourage children to imitate the actual behaviors seen on TV or in the movies.  Young children have a natural tendency and need to explore many make- believe roles and play imaginatively to learn about themselves and their world.  Constant viewing of television violence can rob children of the benefits of play.

                                                                                                  A Guide for Parents by Joan and Jenni Zimmer

                                                                                                National Association for the Education of Young Children

How parents can help in next blog

 

 

 

The Abusive Mindset and Children

In Lundy Bancroft’s book When Dad Hurts Mom:  Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse, this question was posed: ” Can he abuse me and still be a good father?”

“A good father does not abuse his children’s mother.”  Even if the abusive man treats his children well he is still providing a role model for children of men abusing women.  This creates a very unhealthy and unsafe atmosphere in the home.  That is not placing the children’s best interest as a priority.

Key Points to Remember

• Abusiveness toward women involves a predictable constellation of attitudes, values, and behaviors on the part of the abusive man.
• Each of the characteristics typical of abusive men has important potential implications for children in the home.  Every child who has frequent contact with a man that abuses women will be affected by that relationship.
• A good father does not abuse his children’s mother.  A man’s abuse of a mother proves in itself that he is not thinking or caring adequately about what is good for the children.
• Being conscious of your partner’s abusiveness, as hard as that may be to face, will make you a more effective parent and a healing resource for your children.
• Your children, both daughters and sons, need you to be their primary leader and positive role model, since a man who abuses women cannot fill that role.
• You are the most important person in your children’s life.  You can make a tremendous difference to them.  You are their mother.

How much should I tell my children about the abuse?

“Give your children a moderate amount of information about your partner’s inappropriate behavior.  Some mothers believe it is best to shield their children from knowing anything about the abuse and others tell everything.  A middle ground between these two options is actually what works best.  Women are often understandably reluctant to tell their children the truth of how their father behaves, wanting the children to remain innocent and unburdened and not wanting to turn them against their father.  But children figure out what is going on, at least on an intuitive level, and they usually hear and see much more of the abuse than their mother realizes.  They need information in order to make sense out of what they witness, and help them not internalize the messages that Dad’s behavior communicates to them.  Perhaps more important, if you equip them with a digestible amount of knowledge regarding the realities of their father’s abuse of you, he will find it harder to lie to them and manipulate them against you.  Note that the information should be age appropriate. 

After some time after the abusive incident, engage your children in frank and direct discussions of what happened.  Don’t speak badly of their father, but describe to them concretely what behaviors were unacceptable, and ask them to talk about their feelings.  Tell them neither they nor you are at fault for the abusive man’s actions.

Don’t lie on your partner’s behalf or cover for his behavior.  Covering up for him backfires in the long-term, precisely because it works; they will let him off the hook, and blame you or themselves for his actions, if that’s what you train them to do.  Your children will be much safer as time goes by if you allow your children to see the realities of who their father is, in both his best and worst aspects, so they will know to protect themselves from him emotionally.

Create as much structure as possible in your children’s lives.  The presence of an abusive man in the home tends to create chaos and unpredictability, which can bring on depression in children.  Try to provide structure and routines.  Predictability in expectations, rules in the home, consequences and follow through will help provide stability. And don’t forget to have some fun!”

When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse by Lundy Bancroft

Roles Children Play in Families that Experience Violence.

Since Cornerstone’s focus is working with families that have experienced domestic violence, an article describing roles children play in the family may be of interest to our readers. These roles may also appear in families that are not experiencing abuse.

In such families, we can adopt or be given “roles” we willingly or unconsciously play while interacting with others in the family.  Examples of family roles are: mediator of disputes, the “baby” of the family, the prized child that can do no wrong, the responsible one whom everyone relies, or the “black sheep” who does not fit in and is expected to disappoint the others.  A role may be imposed on the child or it may be assumed by the child, and children can play more than one role.

Roles that develop or are assigned in families characterized by woman abuse reflect the unique ways each person adapts and copes with the secret, confusing, and dangerous situation in which they live.  Each child in the same family may play a different “role” during violent incidents.  They may referee, try to rescue their mother, try to deflect the abuse onto themselves, try to distract the abuser, shepard younger siblings away from the danger, or seek outside help (e.g., calling 9-1-1).  Between violent incidents, children may also play roles, some of which are summarized by Baker and Cunningham:

Caretaker- acts as parent to younger siblings and mother.  May oversee routines and household responsibilities, help to keep siblings safe during a violent incident and comfort them afterwards.

Mother’s Confidant- The child who is privy to mother’s feelings, concerns, and plans.  After witnessing abusive incidents, his or her recollections may serve as a reality check for mother, if abuser later minimizes or lies about events.

Abuser’s Confidant- The child that is treated better by abuser and most likely to be told his justifications for abuse against mother.  May be asked to report back on mother’s behavior and be rewarded for doing so with, for example, privileges or absence of harsh treatment.

Abuser’s Assistant- The child who is co-opted or forced to assist in abuse of mother (e.g.,made to say demeaning things or to physically hit mother).

Perfect Child- The child who tries to prevent violence by actively addressing issues (wrongly) perceived as triggers, in this case by excelling in school and never arguing, rebelling, misbehaving, or seeking help with problems.

Referee- The child who mediates and tries to keep the peace.

Scapegoat-The child identified as the cause of family problems, blamed for tensions between the parents or whose behavior is used to justify the violence.  May have special needs or be a step-child to abuser.

Examining family roles also helps to understand how different children in the same family can have dramatically different understandings of what happens in their homes.

Because examining family roles helps us understand how a child interprets and copes with violence, this information can assist in determining intervention strategies.  Children often assume roles as strategies to help them cope with the family situation, and that strategies may not be turned off overnight once the abuser is gone.  Roles assigned by the abuser can lead to guilt, grief and other hurtful emotions, especially after he is gone.  It is a framework to understanding how tension can occur between siblings or in a mother-child relationship.

Assessing the role of each child can be helpful when families continue to struggle with conflict or abuse even after the abusive partner has left the home.  For example, children who adopt pseudo-adult roles such as the “caretaker” may have difficulty adjusting when expected to assume the role of child once again.  The “abuser’s assistant” may take up the role of the abuser.  The”scapegoat” child’s isolation within the family may be intensified by feelings of responsibility for the marital break-up.  The “perfect” child may be impatient with and blaming towards siblings who misbehaved or otherwise “triggered” abuse by the abuser.

If struggling to get your family on a healthier path and strengthen your family, it may be beneficial to seek professional help.  Don’t give up hope!

Beyond Materialism – Part III

Beyond Materialism

12 gifts that will last your children a lifetime.

by Michael Obsatz

Nurturing -A society that doesn’t teach and value nurturing is destined to be violent.  Nurturing means caring for others, helping the sick, giving others support and attention.  Everyone wants and needs nurturing.

Coping with Loss and Disappointment – We all experience loss and disappointment.  Every child needs to understand that this is part of being human.  Coping skills involve allowing oneself to grieve, trusting one can recover, and developing resiliency and hope.

Mediation and Negotiation - Everyone needs to know how to compromise, how to create win-win situations.  If we want a non-violent world, we need to teach children to give and take, how to share, how to work out peaceable solutions.  There are many programs available which teach the skills of mediation.  Through listening, brainstorming and empathizing, children can be encouraged to learn these skills.

Leadership and Team-Building – We live in a community and need to learn to work together.  We have to be good leaders and good team players.  Team-building involves supporting others, facilitating the best in others, and learning how to deal with differences in attitudes, cultural backgrounds, religious beliefs and learning styles.  Leadership requires a strong self concept and many of the skills listed above.

Beyond Materialism Part II

Beyond Materialism 

12 gifts that will last your children a lifetime

by Michael Obsatz

Goal-Setting -  One of the greatest problems of our day is that young people lack a sense of purpose.  “Hanging out” will not provide a meaningful life in the 21st century.  Children need to examine their strengths and talents, and explore ways in which to maximize them.  Goal-setting involves educational, career, spiritual, intellectual, physical and interpersonal goals.

Self Discipline and Perseverance – These skills require commitment to a task, and a desire to be competent.  They also require postponing gratification – being willing to wait.  Children thrive on regular routines and structure, and need to learn how to stick to something until it is of high quality.

Impulse Control – It’s important to understand the effect of one’s attitudes and behavior on others.  Having impulse control means that one can be angry without hitting or insulting others.  It means carefully and constructively venting, rather than irrationally dominating and hurting others.  We all have impulses to be selfish, to win, to control, to be superior to others.  These feelings need to be balanced with empathy, genuine concern for others, and a conscience.  Cooling down, perhaps by taking a “time-out,” can help.

Problem-Solving Capacity – While intuition is important, it is vital to develop rational and logical skills in children.  They need to consider ideas, come up with hypotheses, be able to analyze, synthesize, create, apply, and draw conclusions.

Four remaining gifts from Michael Obsatz will follow soon.

Beyond Materialism

Beyond Materialism – 12 gifts that will last your children a lifetime.

By Michael Obsatz

Michael Obsatz, Ph.D. is a couples and family counselor and associate professor of sociology at Macalester College.  He is the father of three grown children.

This article will be divided in 3 parts to present the 12 gifts that can benefit your children.

Assertiveness and Boundary-Setting

Knowing what you want, asking for what you want clearly and directly, and protecting your time, space and body are extremely important.  A child learns these skills through observing role models and practice.  To say “No” to drugs, or early sexual activity, a child needs to be clear on what he or she is protecting, and why.  It means asking lifestyle questions early on – long before the child needs to make a career choice.  It means establishing a value system, spiritual beliefs, goals and priorities.

Feelings Identification and Empathy

We live in a world with others and we need to learn how to connect, care and share.  Both genders need to know how to express fear, sadness, anger and joy.  Boys need to be given permission to cry in safe places.  Girls need to be affirmed for having angry feelings.  Children need help identifying their feelings and having them validated.  Empathy involves understanding what someone else is feeling and/ or experiencing.  Empathy comes out of self-awareness, and being in touch with one’s own feelings.

Discernment

Whom can you trust?  Whom can’t you trust?  How do you know the difference?  Discernment is a skill which helps children learn to recognize trustworthy behavior in others.  A child needs to know when another child is manipulative, or when they are in danger of hurting others or hurting themselves.  Discernment means perceiving the ramifications of situations, and understanding how certain actions and behaviors can lead to danger or betrayal.

Communication

This means speaking, writing and listening.  A competent person knows how to listen effectively, speak clearly in front of others, let others know they are being heard.  Communication encompasses a wide range of skills – giving and receiving feedback, being tactful, not interrupting, making clarifying statements (“Could you explain that further?” “Do you mean this?”) and organizing one’s thoughts on paper.

The next four sections will be entered in the blog next week.